this came to me in a vision
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If only
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Y’all know who you are.
Haha! 😂
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.