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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: