My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.