The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.