Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Well. That’s not a good sign.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Ion see the issue
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected