[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
How to wake up a Beagle
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.