Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
the #horror is real!