king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.