You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
wow he looks just like him
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Choose your fighter
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Covid like
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.