There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.