Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.