I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just so funny
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?