If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.