ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross