UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.