JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Wait a minute…
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”