Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Duolingo getting serious.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Quadruple digit IQ
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.