*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My first child will be named New Folder.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*