u guys got any snacks onboard here
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.