Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
#NoRestForTheWicked
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.