I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You Might Also Like
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Merry Christmas
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home