I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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my favorite genre of twitter
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics