Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*puts my mental health in rice
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible