the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?