Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”