At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
me before I type out affect or effect
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
#FunnyLife Insects
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.