“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Animal poetry
That’s easy for you to say
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it