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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house