Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE