I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Vodka burrito was a success
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.