You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.