Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You Might Also Like
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.