I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
The three genders
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating