This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments