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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.