No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.