Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
God has left this place
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real