my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Watermelon Boss!