DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m Sold!
peep davidson
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
What kind of a cult is this?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.