I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
You Might Also Like
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.