Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The Punning Dead.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Current mood: Potato
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass