If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You Might Also Like
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
How to make infinite energy.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.