Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
You Might Also Like
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Teach your children to beatbox
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
What a kind woman! 😂😂
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*