Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
is it earth
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.