The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My beach vacation Google searches
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.