Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.