[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
You’re the water to my grease fire.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
birds and squirrels envy us
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2