remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’