Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
A double negative is a big no-no.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Why soy sad?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??