You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don鈥檛 have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they pull a push door.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 馃槍馃挱
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
It absolutely scares me to death that I鈥橫 the voice of reason in this house.